I remember going home after that appointment and standing naked in front of the mirror and just crying my eyes out. To me, I felt disgusting. I was not this person; I was strong and powerful… I make women feel like Goddesses and Queens. I love to feel sexy and glamorous, but instead I just felt awful. Now, as long as you are happy, you can be beautiful at any weight, but this wasn’t me.

Now I love food. LOVE IT! I love bread, pasta, full fat coke, fruit cider, chocolate, cake… did I really want to give up all these things that made me happy? I had tried no carbs before and it literally made me miserable to the point where my Husband couldn’t speak to me without getting his head bitten off. I knew I couldn’t go down that route again, or at least make it a permanent thing. I tried it a couple of times in previous years and it just didn’t work for me. I am a quite fussy eater in some respects, so nice healthy salads weren’t going to work either. I had previously tried quick weight loss solutions like Juice Plus and Clean 9 some years before but I just couldn’t do them. Protein milkshakes made me sick and there was no way I could just live on just water… but then it dawned on me. Why am I looking for a quick fix? This isn’t just about how I look; this is for my health too. This is so I can see my children grow older and have a healthier heart. I looked back into that mirror and knew that if I was going to make this happen, I was really going to have to make a lifestyle change.

Now, have you ever felt like there is a massive black cloud over you that wont budge? Have you ever felt like you are in the darkest of places and you are just so scared you’ll never come out? Well, I have. People see me as a very bubbly, crazy person who loves life but I have a dark side that I have never been able to get away from. A lot of people don’t know that about me because I don’t tell them, but in order for me to tell you every reason why I did this, I have to kind of bare my soul.

*Comparison of just under 3 weeks of small changes. April 8th-April 27th.*

This time last year (April 2019), when I looked in the mirror, I could have just broken down and cried. I was depressed and exhausted . My 2nd little boy Jax was 3 months old and I had LOST myself. I was already back at work full time, running two businesses, striving to be a good Mom and basically just trying stay alive.

I have always been someone who has cared about the way I look. I am a more confident person when I go out into the world knowing I look good. That’s just me and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to make the best of yourself.

The day after I came home with Jax, I was told I was obese by one of the Midwives. I thought it was a bit harsh 24 hours after having baby but at the same time it definitely stuck in my mind. I thought ‘jeeez, give me a few weeks to get myself back together after giving birth will you?’ but at my 6 week check up nothing had changed. The Doctor said that word again… ‘OBESE’ and I remember just feeling pain. I had managed to lose around a stone in that time after my first child, so why hadn’t this weight shifted? What was I doing wrong?

*One year comparison from April ‘19- April ‘20*

*Me and my family at our God Daughter’s Christening in March 19. (Me, Jax 2 months, Rosie, Brett & Niko below)*

I had to actually look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw. I was (and still am) good at hiding what I don’t like about myself in clothes or in the way I pose, so people never really saw why I was so down about the way I looked. It’s not all Instagram and filters, this is real life. It might look all rosy and rainbows on the internet and that’s because I don’t share my sadness because I want people to see something nice, something that will make them smile. Isn’t there enough upset in the world?

“Now, as long as you are happy, you can be beautiful at any weight, but this wasn’t me”

April 8th 2019- I stepped on the scales and I was 13 stone 8; the biggest I have ever been in my life. Now what shall I do? I can’t get to the gym. I can’t fit in a personal trainer into my crazy life. I can’t diet like there is no tomorrow. What shall I do?

OK, so the first thing I did was cut out full fat fizzy drinks. These are so unhealthy anyway and I knew I was addicted to them so that day I went cold turkey and banished them from my life. Now, believe it or not, I could buy a 6-pack of Pepsi and drink every single can in one day. I craved the sugar. Even now, if someone has a full fat Pepsi or Coke in site I have to pretend it’s not there because even the smell entices me in!! It’s crazy! I went onto zero or diet drinks to hoard off the craving. It was so difficult but I knew it had to be done. Within a week of doing this I had lost 7 pounds!! 7 POUNDS!!! Madness.

The second thing I did was to try and stop eating so much bread. So, I am a person who would buy those fresh, crusty loaves from the Supermarket, stick my hand in the middle and just eat it dry. Yup, bread is life. I knew I needed to stop this so as a family, we made the decision to swap from white bread to brown or wholemeal. It’s probably not too much difference in calories but it was definitely the healthier option.

*Me at my Southampton Workshop the 2nd week of May, already feeling better about my myself.*

I LOVE rich tea Biscuits. So I told Brett (my Husband) not to buy them. “BRETT, STOP BUYING SNACKS!!!” If they are not in the house, I can’t eat them. I would wander into the kitchen because I wanted something and oh, there was nothing to snack on… no crisps, no biscuits, no nothing. That solved that problem. Now I didn’t deprive myself.. if I was out and I wanted something I would have the odd chocolate bar or white breaded sandwich, but not having those things in the house on demand helped so much. I still went to Franki & Benny's and had my favourite cheesy garlic bread… I wasn’t going to stop it all together. Life is too short!

*Using my Apple Watch was one of my best investments to help track my daily progress.*

“To see the results in the mirror as well as on the scales was amazing; honestly there was no feeling like it.”

“I made women feel like Goddesses and Queens. I love to feel sexy and glamorous, instead I just felt lost.”

My main thing that helped was portion sizes. I learned that if I was in a calorie deficit then I would lose weight. The bigger you are, the easier it is to lose because you burn more calories moving your body around. If you consume 2000 calories but you are actually burning 3000, you will lose weight; it really is that simple. The more nutritious your meals are, the healthier you will be. For example, if I had eaten a small lunch for around 500 calories, I would still have a takeaway and a couple of ciders.

It’s all about just eating a little bit less. Eat what you love but don’t eat LOADS. Have one chocolate bar, not 5. Have two pieces of toast, not 4. So when I used to order a Pizza I would have a 15 inch to myself, now I buy an 8 inch. I know, I know I still eat Pizza!! HOW CRAZY OF ME!!! But if it’s in my 2000 calories then I am going to have it. The difference from scoffing a 15 inch pizza to an 8 inch one is going to make some difference! Just look at my before and after pictures, I can prove it!!

Now I was never a big water drinker. I knew that had to change that but I actually hated it. I started by having glasses of water with a spot of no added sugar squash. I found drinking out of glasses really hard to do for some reason so I started buying the Evian sports bottle and then I was drinking so much more without realising. I don’t even have fizzy drinks in the day anymore. Now, in the day, with the exception of a glass of orange or apple juice (never from concentrate) I just drink water. One of the most useful tips I can give you is to invest in a water bottle with a handle. I now carry my water bottle with me everywhere I go and just sip it all day to try and get my water intake. When I want a snack I just drink my water. It really is better for you. Sometimes as well, if you don’t drink enough water you end up putting on weight because of water retention.

Now my biggest challenge, I thought, was exercise. I would laugh at people going to gym and say ‘ppffttt, that is NOT for me. I don’t have time. I can’t be bothered. I have two kids. I work full time.’ blah blah blah. Now I will be real with you, after my usual day of looking after the kids, being at the studio all day or shooting a wedding for 10 hours, editing until 2am and trying to get a baby to sleep through the night, the thought of doing anymore physical exercise was, in my mind, compared to being run over 5 times, but I knew that if I was going to change this body and this mind, I would need to fit this in… somewhere.

When I first started working out, I used to just do little 7 minute workouts from YouTube to get used to it. I used to do these when everyone was in bed because I didn’t want anyone to see me. I then brought a bike from Amazon. It wasn’t brilliant but got me into the mindset of working out and I could watch the TV whilst doing it. I quickly discovered I was rubbish at the bike haha, but carried on anyway.

After about a month I knew I had to work harder if I was going to shift this weight so after some research, I found ‘Pop Sugar Fitness’ from YouTube and came across a lady called Jeanette Jenkins. I started doing her 1 hour or 45 min workouts and they were HARD. I was sweating buckets. Sometimes I would go so hard I thought I would faint, but I carried on. Other days I felt like I just couldn’t do it and would cry all the way through. Other nights I would lie there in the dark, my family in bed, just looking up at the ceiling thinking I was a failure because I couldn’t do the ab workouts. I have felt every feeling you can during these workouts but I survived and carried on. Look at me now.

*Some of my friends started working out in the middle of the year as well and this was so helpful to have other people to urge you on. Here we are in May 2019 at ‘The Newborn & Portrait Show’*

Around a few months after starting to do the workouts, I wanted to know how many calories I was burning because I knew it would motivate me to burn more so I invested in an Apple Watch to track it. It was so amazing so see my steps, my burning calories and how active I was in the studio during sessions. It made me want to work harder because my results were there in black and white. After a couple of months of doing the Pop Sugar Workouts, cutting out full fat pop and wearing my Apple Watch, I had lost around a stone and a half and I was so happy. I was in the low twelves and I was determined to get down into the elevens. To see the results in the mirror, as well as on the scales was amazing; honestly there was no feeling like it. I started sharing my results with my friends and started to inspire other people to get on the home workout train; that was an amazing feeling.

*Me in Thailand in June 2019. I was around 12 stone here. My Husband and I used to work out in the morning to keep up our fitness.*

I knew I wanted more. I just wanted to get down to 11 and a half stone. That was my goal. That was my weight when I got pregnant with Jax (the 2nd baby) so I knew if I could get to that milestone, I was back to where I had started. At that point, my Husband even started working out as well. He said and I quote “I can’t keep watching you working your ass off whilst I sit in the Hot Tub. I need to do this for my health as well”

*Me in Benidorm in July 2019. I had gotten down to 11 stone 12 by now and I was feeling really good.*

Around September time I tried Intermittent Fasting. It was amazing. So you fast for a certain amount of time and then eat within a timed window. It really suited me because I never really felt like breakfast anyway rushing around with two kids to get ready etc. I did the 16:8 fasting, so stopped eating/drinking around 9:30pm and then I would eat around 1:30/2pm. You can do whatever suits you but I know If you do it properly, it works. I do this whenever I can. The app someone told me about is called ‘Zero’.

It was around November time when I managed to get down to 11 and a half stone and I was so happy!! Honestly I can’t even tell you how amazing that felt. I was feeling better in myself, comfortably back into my size 12 jeans and just feeling like I had achieved something. It was then I discovered an app from my friend called Jillian Michaels. She is ruthless and I love it. It’s just an app on your phone! There are different, quick workouts to do depending on what you want. The workouts are nice and quick so it really helps when you are stuck for time. There are days when having your own businesses and two young children takes it’s toll and you just can’t fit a half an hour work out in so the quick 10 mins HITTs are just amazing. At least then you have done SOMETHING.

*Me in November shooting the new ‘ROCSA Leotard’ Promotional Video.*

Me and my girls who were all on their own ‘better body’ journeys. (From left to right) Aimee-Jo from Dinky Days, Me, Maggie Robinson from Dinky Feet, Emma from Little Love Photography and Paulina from Paulina Duczman Photography.

I went to Barbados in January and I had never felt so good about myself. I had worked for this body. I knew I was on a journey and eventually I would look even better, so the fact that I didn’t look exactly how I wanted right then didn’t even phase me. We went to Barbados 2 years before. I felt so horrible last time but this time was different; I was different. The only problem was, was that I was so scared about putting on weight whilst I was there. I kept my smaller portions and fasting in mind on holiday and when I came home I had lost 2 pounds! WIN! A couple of weeks later of doing workouts 5/6 days a week I had managed to get to 11 stone. I was literally over the moon. I never expected to see that on the scales. This was the weight I was when I got pregnant with Niko (my 1st baby). I never, ever though I would get there again.

*This was in Barbados. Finally feeling I didn’t have to delete all the photos before they were posted on IG.*

Next… it was time to get into a pair of size 10 jeans. A year before I chucked about 5 pairs away because I was so sure I would always be a size 12. Me and the girls even discussed being size 10 by the time we went to Vegas in Feb and I just laughed. Maybe I could do it now. I was so close. I wanted to tone my body and get under 11 stone. A few weeks later of intermittent fasting alongside my workouts I had dropped another 4 pounds. Now you may think this is slow, but the less you weigh, the harder it is to actually see results on the scales. I went to Las Vegas at the end of Feb, in size 10 jeans and 10 stone 8. I have never felt so good about myself. I was confident again and I was loving life.

*Me celebrating the fact I managed to get into my size 10 jeans. This was an unbelievable moment for me.*

I’m quite happy with the weight I am now but I really want to tone up more. The thing is with exercise is that you also build muscle which adds to the scales so I have been told it’s best to measure your inches instead which isn’t something I did (but wish I had).

So… lockdown has happened and now we’re all stuck at home. I very rarely snack on crisps or chocolate but I don’t deprive myself completely. I refuse to make myself miserable. The main thing I do is burn more calories than I consume. I believe, you’re best bet is eating a consistent amount of calories every day, alongside doing exercise. I mean you’re stuck in the house now with no work, what better way to start your workouts?  

The higher you get your heart rate when you’re working out, the harder your body is working. Take 220 - your age and then you’ll find your maximum heart rate. If you can try and push yourself to work at around 80-90% during some periods of your workouts, then you are working very, very hard. The harder you work the more calories you will burn. If you burn more calories than you consume you will lose weight!

*A picture I took the other day, braving a sports bra instead of a black baggy t-shirt during lockdown.*

MyFitnessPal is a great app to count your calories. That really helped me see what I was eating and drinking so I was less likely to eat anything that would take me over my 2000 calories. I don’t use it much anymore because I am quite good at keeping a mental note but when I feel like I might be slipping off the rails again, I go back to the app and start making a diary. Seeing things in black and white really helps me because it’s right there staring you in the face.  

When I first started this journey, I tried these patches called Thrive and the balance capsules that came with them. They are suppose to suppress hunger feelings and give your body nutrients & energy. I did feel like they worked for a while but I stopped using them after a couple of months. During the last year I have also tried Instant Knockout, but I didn’t feel the effects that much so stopped those as well. (I in no way promote the use of any diet pills)

*Just 10 months difference here. First photo taken at ‘The Newborn & Portrait Show’ in May 2019 and the second taken at ‘The Guild Of Photographers’ in Feb 2020.*

I am currently doing BodyStep with Les Mills On Demand and it’s amazing. I try and do an around an hour at the moment whilst in lockdown so I do that with a mixture of Jillian Michaels (app on your phone) and YouTube workouts from Pop Sugar Fitness.   

YouTube links-  Pop Sugar Fitness- https://www.youtube.com/user/popsugartvfit  

Jeanette Jenkins 1 hour- https://youtu.be/s3F6R92s6_o  

Jeanette Jenkins 45 mins- https://youtu.be/_Zem0_qsDg0  

Hip Hop Tabata 30 mins- https://youtu.be/kwkXyHjgoDM

There are some amazing thing online! If you need any help, feel free to drop me a message on my personal Instagram here.

I am still on a journey and working hard. I am excited to see what my body will look like this time next year :-)

Thanks so much for reading <3